


100 RYO KISS

by panda_shi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Fundraisers, Kissing, M/M, One Shot, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 04:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14686155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panda_shi/pseuds/panda_shi
Summary: In an attempt to raise money for the Academy, Iruka gets saddled into manning the kissing booth. 100 RYO per kiss.





	100 RYO KISS

**Author's Note:**

> I am my own beta. Bla bla.
> 
> In the process of cleaning up my HD. Found this and it had a good chunk written that could pass off as a one-shot. So here we go. Crack. Wasn't sure what I was on when this was written years ago.

Iruka lost count on how many times he had asked himself exactly what in heaven's name was he doing.

In a little corner of a bustling street, decorated with paper lanterns, ringing with laughter, music, drum beats, ringing bells, vendors and exhibitors calling out to the public to try their goods and games, the smell of sweet foods and smoke from barbecues, is Iruka. Dressed in a rather decorative red kimono, hair half up in a pin, looking like some rip off from some sort of fashion magazine. In all honesty, Iruka felt rather stupid, parading himself as such, standing behind a small wooden booth and trying his best (and failing quite miserably) to be invisible.

Which was a little hard to pull off when you're blushing to the roots of your hair, trying to maintain a smile on your face, with a sign hanging above your head saying: _KISS for 100 RYO._

And with the entire population of Konoha tittering, snickering, falling in line and waiting for their turn, bills in hand pretty much lined up under your nose.

It was really hard for Iruka to be invisible.

But such was his luck. And such were Iruka’s colleagues at the Academy, who had taken full advantage of him during that dinner gathering a month ago when they were planning the fund raising event to coincide with the Spring Festival. The Academy was low on funds and two years was a long time for the entire building to go on without repair. With the budget so low and Konoha still in the process of picking itself up from the war, there was only so much the Academy could do to ensure that they had the best equipment and environment for their students. Which really, Iruka understood all that.

What he didn’t understand was what possessed his loony co-workers to think that him offering kisses to the masses was anything short of productive. Or why would it even bring money in the first place!

So, maybe in the past three hours, Iruka had to empty his little money basket about ten times already. So maybe, he must have already planted more kisses on children’s foreheads than the amount of scrapes he he had on his hand, probably kissed every single parent on the cheek that made up Konoha’s population, kissed every pervert, grandmother, grandfather, and faces he didn’t even know existed and seriously, was Konoha really _that big?_ Iruka could have sworn Konoha shrunk in population after all the funerals and pyres he’d been to in the past. He could have sworn that people were popping out of freaking _nowhere_.

How he hated his co-workers.

But even in the pain of death, Iruka will never ever admit, under torture or being continuously fed disgusting stir-fried-rice (fucking greasy shit), that his co-workers were _right_ . He was definitely sought out by a lot of Konoha’s citizens. People blushed and stammered and _giggled_ (it was kind of creepy, actually, because he was sure some of the stone-faced shinobi he kissed might have been in the T &I department, the  Hunter unit or ANBU) and his booth, stupid as it was, embarrassing and humiliating as it was, easy as it was, was selling like hot cakes. It was like addictive crack and Iruka was sure that his embarrassment and humiliation could not escalate any further, up until Tsunade herself approached him, chest out, guffawing and hips cocked to one side as she folded her arms under her ample bosom.

“Well, well, I heard the fuss and I didn’t believe it at first. But, my, _Iruka-sensei_. You’re the talk of the town~”

Iruka wanted to dig a hole in the ground and die. He also pretended not to see the 100-ryo bill Tsunade had between her fingers, twitching as if taunting Iruka some more in his already bludgeoned pride. Even if it meant that Iruka was going to get his new desks, and the new paint job for his classroom, and the new windows. And that damn hole on the floor under his desk was history if he survived the night.

And a whiteboard! That means more hygiene and less chances for his kids to be constantly exposed to chalk dust, especially to those who were still overcoming their allergies! A whiteboard would be a godsend, all those markers! Colorful markers!

Goddamnit.

“Hokage-sama.” Iruka sounded meek. Like a squashed mouse.

And that 100-ryo bill, to Iruka’s horror, slowly fluttered into his already overflowing money basket. He was going to have to empty it now. His colleague in the neighboring betting stall beside his was snickering. Iruka could fucking hear the asshole.

 _I’m going to kill him_.

“All right shinobi, pucker up!”

Tsunade’s grin was insanely scary.

Her breasts -- beautiful as they were -- were suddenly scary too.

Iruka felt himself being pitched forward, chin sinking into soft flesh as he firmly planted his hand on the flat surface of his booth, puckered up and placed a pecking kiss on his village leader’s cheek. The hoots that greeted _that_ was momentous. Memorable. Iruka knew that he will never live this down. He could have sworn there were a million camera flashes. He could have sworn that he had gone deaf from uproar that caused and including Tsunade’s laugh herself.

“T-Thank you for your donation and consideration, Hokage-sama!” Iruka bowed, nearly thumping his head on the surface of his booth counter. Maybe he should have. It certainly would have helped knocked him out and maybe he’d get out of this mess.

“Keep up the good work, shinobi. You’ve done Konoha... a _great service_.”

Iruka told himself to breathe. To keep breathing as he maintained his politeness despite Tsunade’s laugh, as he emptied his basket under the booth and proceeded to thump his head against said basket saying, _I will not kill anybody tonight, I will no kill anybody tonight, I will not commit genocide upon my colleagues, I will get that new whiteboard damnit! I want that whiteboard!_

Really, it can’t get worse than Tsunade-sama herself.

_“Iruka-sensei!”_

The cry made Iruka jostle up and pop from under the booth like a shocked beaver.

Iruka was so wrong like he's never been wrong in his life.

This could get _worse_.

"You look like a doll, sensei!" Naruto sounded _outraged_. And like he was about to wheeze from laughter, same way a balloon that had lost its knot and was spouting air from its tiny opening.

"Wow, Iruka-sensei, you really look different." Sakura chirped.

"Almost didn't recognize you." Tenzou quipped.

"The thematic fit of your current appearance is almost quite similar to that of a mating call of a forest animal." If Sai was trying to sound sage with his words, it really _wasn’t_ working.

That was it. Iruka's life was _over._

"This is the smartest idea!" Ino _giggled_.

"You're so bold, sensei!" Kiba _guffawed_.

"Didn't think you had it in you~ This is the most exuberant display of youth in in this entire festival! Iruka-sensei, please accept my donation!" Gai practically _sang_.

Fuck proper decorum and fuck that whiteboard. Iruka was going to kill them all. He was already in the middle of rolling his yukata sleeves up and clambering over the stall to mash all their heads together, _especially Sai_ and Kiba who was beside himself in laughing to tears that anymore, Iruka was sure the boy was going to have gas problems when Naruto sort of leaned over and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Senseeeeiiiii! Hey! Why’re you doin’ this, sensei, huh?"

Befuddled, and shocked Iruka's tongue went in knots. He stammered, flushed, looked into the biggest pair of glassy blue eyes and felt like a two year old. The words started spilling before Iruka could even stop himself.

"W-Well, you see Naruto, the reason I'm doing this -- this activity is because well, the Academy, my classroom, it's not very stable anymore. And we don't have enough equipment that can be, you know, very useful anymore. So the kids have so little to work with so my colleagues suggested it and it wasn't like I had much else to do, or had any other ideas that wasn't already taken and - and if all goes well and I manage to raise enough, that means a new whiteboard which would be great for the kids! And we can finally get a less rattly window and more stable floorboards and desks, and a new paint job too. I didn't really know what else to do and everyone is doing their best and I guess -- well, there's really no harm is there? I mean, I guess it's a little embarrassing but everyone's been so nice even if I know they'll end up making fun of this entire fiasco for years to come but -- I -- well, the kids -- and my classroom -- and it'll be years before we get a new renovation or a higher budget anyway since everyone is already doing their best in this very difficult time and-- that is -- I --"

Iruka stuttered to a stop when he saw everyone just _staring_ at him.

And proceeded to gasp and flush and stare with utter shock when everyone started to dig into their pockets, purses and wallets. Naruto was the first to break what had felt like a sudden wash of silence, grumbling and picking out his frog wallet and emptying the _entire_ contents into Iruka basket before throwing himself across the table and _hugging_ (and suffocating) Iruka. It was so out of place and so sudden and a reminder of just how much Naruto has changed and grown, that Iruka was suddenly choking on nostalgia as he too, wrapped arms around Naruto's shoulders, planting a quick peck on the crown of the boy's head. Naruto was still grumbling even as he pulled away, and insisted that Iruka keep all the loose change and wads of crumpled bills he had dumped into the basket when Iruka tried to return the generous donation.

Iruka gave up when all his former students from Naruto's batch started dumping wads and wads of bills into his basket, including their former instructors. Generous as it may have been, Iruka was still beyond embarrassed having to plant quick kisses on their heads for good sport.

Iruka kind of lost it when Gai started waxing poetry after getting a peck on the cheek.

Iruka came close to combusting on the spot when Izumo and Kotetsu started hooting when he kissed Miyo-sensei on the forehead, because it was a private little secret between them that when he was a boy and still a student, Iruka crushed on the slightly elderly lady with hips that sashayed and enticed and a smirk that made toes curl in the confines of their sandals.

It was quite a miracle that Iruka didn't kill anybody _yet._

The more kisses he gave out, the shorter his fuse got. Because as the night drew out, his customers started to tilt more towards the perverse side. Iruka had to start getting smart and tart with everyone.

"So, what will ten thousand get me?" Kakashi asked, amused, hands in his pockets and looking awfully amused.

Iruka's temper flew then.

"You're at a kissing booth! One kiss for a hundred ryos. Do the math, genius!" Iruka huffed.

"Hmmm." Kakashi's visible eye curved into a perfect arc of happiness. "How about I claim the kiss once you’re off duty?"

"I beg your pardon! _"_

Kakashi was leaning against the booth, elbow propped and _smirking_. "Hey, you're the one offering kisses."

"Pay up or get lost, then! You're holding up the damn line!" Iruka _yelled_.

Kakashi did pay.

Oh did he _pay_.

Iruka's eyes were almost as wide as saucers as Kakashi dropped what had to be a ten thousand ryo bill into his basket. Iruka knew then that the whiteboard was his. All damn his! And a box of colorful markers too! And an extra eraser! And that little holder on the side for the erasers and markers! Gods, his levels of joy in life were indeed, very modest.

"I'm offering a drink before I collect on that kiss. What do you say, Iruka-sensei? I'll make it worth your while~"

Iruka was tired, he was hungry, his face was hurting from all the blushing and false smiles, there was just no way he could be held accountable for being dry and direct at this point. He was going to go home after this fiasco, lock up and be a hermit for a few days without anyone bothering him and consume a month worth of ramen until his insides turned to noodles. Iruka took one look at the wad of ryos and then made a decision.

“No, Kakashi-san.” Iruka sucked in a deep breath, leaned over the booth, placed a hand on Kakashi’s shoulder and braced himself. “All kisses must be claimed at the booth.”

It was the only warning Kakashi got before Iruka slanted his mouth over Kakashi's clothed mouth, brushing a warm tongue over the curve of Kakashi’s lower lip. Iruka’s fingers remained steady in their grip on the side of Kakashi’s head, his other hand fisted into coarse hair, as his heart hammered in his chest and the catcalls proceeded to disintegrate his ear drums. Kakashi remained as still as a stone statue, what with Iruka pretty much kissing him so openly in public.

The kiss lasted about seven seconds at best.

And when Kakashi's tongue brushed against's Iruka's just the _tiniest_ bit, Iruka pulled back, cheeks flushed, patted Kakashi on the shoulder, and grinned toothily. And awkwardly. Like he didn’t just make out (one-sidedly) with Konoha’s infamous Copy-nin.

He was not going to live this down.

The rumor mill was going to implode and then explode.

Honestly, it was Kakashi's damn fault. Iruka took his duties very seriously and Kakashi, most certainly, had no business offering up all that money. Iruka also doesn't do refunds so before Kakashi can make a smart comment or worse, ask for half his money back, Iruka took his money basket and emptied it's contents into the larger basket under his booth.

“Thank you for your most generous donation, Kakashi-san. Now get out of the way. Next!”

Kakashi left without a word and Iruka, with all hsi depleting swell of boldness, could not for the life of him, get his face to return to its normal color. Iruka knew he was never going to be able to look at the Copy-nin in the face for a long, long time. If  _ever_.

He was going to need several stiff drinks once this was done.

It was probably a good thing that he made a lot of money.

**Author's Note:**

> LOL yeah, idek?


End file.
